Who can resist a cactus pizza or a washing machine princess?
by Portelllock
Summary: just a crack!fic. Trust me, my friend and me weren't drunk at all writing this, we probably just had too many candies and not enough sleep. ;) Anyway, to sum it up: Ellen and Portia meet at a game show having to face a rather hilarious challenge.


Ellen and Portia Fanfiction

 **Who can resist a cactus pizza or a washing machine princess?**

"And now, welcome the most beautiful actress in history: Ms. Portia De Rossi!" Mr. John called, his red cylinder making him look utterly ridiculous. The crowd cheered and the applause and screaming got even louder when Portia appeared, dressed in a white silver dress which complimented her dazzling blue eyes perfectly.  
"Thank you. Thanks so much" she said, trying to drown out the noises of the audience. "It's such an honor to be here."  
"Well, I hope you won't change your mind at the end of the show. But let's not waste our time with trivial chatting. There's still a lot to find out about you and your _top top_ secrets."  
After they sat down they got right on with it: "So what about your love life? Any lovers?"  
She laughed heartily: "Oh no, not at all."  
"Oh really? So is there any chance for me?" the host asked with a smirk on his face, evidently kidding.  
"Well, let's find out later in the dressing room, right?" she joined in teasingly.  
"Good to know. Now that we got that straight I'd like to introduce our next guest, the one and only: Ellen DeGeneres, everybody!"  
Once again the crowd went insane, screaming uncontrollably, holding up signs on which were written upon messages like "MARRY ME!" and "I WANT A CHILD FROM YOU!" as Ellen came in dancing, swinging her hips from one side to the next. She was dressed in her most fashionable suit and - _of_ _course_ -her "ellen" shirt AVAILABLE IN THE ELLEN SHOP NOW!  
"Hello Ellen. Nice to see you."  
"You, too Mr. John. I've got you something." And with that she pulled out a pair of light blue pants out of her pocket and gave it to the slightly startled man: "Umm well, thanks. I guess."  
"Portia, great to meet you. So sorry, I wasn't expecting you, so I didn't bring anything for you. But um, let's see …" she murmured fishing in her pocket. "Oh! I just found the new Ellen DeGeneres bottle opener which makes it possible to hear me singing whenever you want ALSO AVAILABLE IN THE ELLEN SHOP NOW GO LOOK IT UP!"  
"That's really kind of you. That's something I cannot miss out on." She replied, sounding surprisingly sincere.  
"I'm glad you like it." Ellen smiled warmly.

"And now, are you ready? Our new special game will start any second."  
"Yeah sure" Ellen replied, being evidently excited like a little child. "What's the challenge? I mean, there's no challenge for me anyway, right?" she grinned.  
"We are testing your acting and improvising skills. So I'd like you both to pick one of the cards laid out here on the table, having to act out the scenario."  
"Oh, that's easy-peasy lemon squeasy!" Ellen and Portia shouted at the same time.

After having picked their cards they were told to read them out loud:

Portia started: _"You are the most wonderful, generous, kind princess of a huge kingdom."_

"Well, that's not even close to a challenge, is it?" Ellen claimed. "She only has to be herself!"

Portia laughed feeling flattered while grinning like an idiot.

"Now it's my turn: _You are a poor pizza delivery guy with a scooter."_ Ellen furrowed her brow. "Well that's-"

"-exactly you being yourself, right?!" Portia cut her off, jokingly.

"Okay, now you've got some tools" Mr. John pointed at a bunch of all kinds of random items which apparently were not intended for acting. "You should take not more than two of them. We will be right back with Ellen and Portia." Mr. John announced the short break. 

"Welcome back!"

The curtains opened and Portia was positioned right in the spotlight, sitting on a washing machine, serving as an improvised throne and a pan as a crown.  
"Pizza, pizza! Who wants a slice of pizza?!" Ellen's voice came from afar "And for the averages of you: candles with the aroma of pizza! NOW AVAILABLE IN- yeah you guessed right- THE ELLEN SHOP."  
"Who's there? Oh, is it the pizza delivery guy?" Portia acted …. a _little_ bit more authentic.  
"Exactly!" Ellen shouted, walking on her stilts, trying to hold her cactus as well as her balance.  
"Oh my hero, how could you have known that I needed pizza right now in one of my darkest times?!"  
Portia cried out.  
"Today's special offer: Pizza à la deserto: Extra spiky!"  
"Sounds wonderful! Bring it to me, darling!"  
"With pleasure." Ellen handed it to Portia, kneeling down in front of the washing machine.  
"No no, stand up." Portia ordered her "someone who brings me such delicious pizza shall meet me at eye level." And with that she jumped off the washing machine landing right in front of Ellen's face: "God, you're beautiful!" she whispered.  
All of a sudden Portia threw the cactus away, taking up all of Ellen's space and pulling her into her arms.  
Ellen simply smiled and held her even closer.  
Without even thinking about it their lips touched for the first time and they kissed passionately, forgetting all of their surroundings. (and the rest is left to your imagination. Am I right, kids? :D)

THE END!

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End file.
